I'm cold!
by shinyshining
Summary: Feliciano's sick in the hospital, Lovino's a mess...
1. Chapter 1

Feliciano had caught a cold. Or that's what the doctors told Antonio and Lovino when they were desperately trying to find answers to why they weren't allowed to visit their Feli in the hospital he was in. It wasn't just a cold he had, they were damn sure of that. A week ago when Feli suddenly started to lose his appetite and look tired and not as happy as usual, Lovino just knew something was wrong. Something was wrong and no one knew what it was. But it wasn't a cold. Hell no, that's a ridiculous excuse to take Feliciano away from home.  
''What's wrong, Feli?'' Antonio had asked one morning. Italy had looked a bit confused at first.  
''Ve? What do you mean?''. But he knew what he was being asked. And he knew why. Feliciano hadn't got out of bed that morning, and it was already... what? 11 AM? Lovino walked down the hall and he looked in from the slight opening of the door to Feli's room where Antonio and Feliciano were sitting, careful not to be noticed by the two.  
''You know. You not being yourself. At all.'' Toni's usually so bright and happy expression had changed to a very serious one with slight concern mixed with confusion.  
Lovino and Feliciano had rarely seen Antonio with a serious face. It slightly scared both of them, seeing that he wasn't his cheerful self at the moment.  
''I don't know what you-'' Feli tried to claim, but Antonio cut him off.  
''Just tell me. I worry about you, Feli.'' Lovino felt a slight sting of jealousy in his chest, but he forced it to go away. Antonio had never said that he worries about him. Right, but Feliciano is a different deal.  
''I...I...ve...'' Italy's eyes started to tear up. He somehow faked a smile but buried his face in his hands. Lovino felt strange while looking at the two from his hiding place. He felt genuine concern for his fratello.  
Toni hugged Feliciano. ''Are you okay? You know you can tell me anything.''  
''I don't know... Help me.'' Feli sobbed, not holding back the tears anymore. With that, Antonio took him by the hand and got up. Lovino got away from the door, to not be yelled at for spying on them. Toni walked past Lovino with Feli and without a word, they were out the house, leaving Lovino alone in great confusion.

Even though Lovino knew they were going to see a doctor (he had been spying on them, dammit) he couldn't help but feel hurt from the two leaving so suddenly.  
He was all alone in a big house. Like always. He should have gotten used to being left alone by now, but damn, they could have at least said something to him. Anything. Even a single ''bye''. But no. Why would they bother for him? It's not like anyone cared about him. When it was about the sweet Feliciano,  
it's like Lovino doesn't even exist. Sometimes he wished he would have never even been born. Everyone would have it better off without him... right?

So. That had happened a week ago and now Feliciano was isolated in a hospital room all alone with just some nurses around every now and then.  
Lovino and Antonio sat in silence outside the door of Feli's hospital room. They had been sitting there for so long, that they weren't even sure if any nurse or doctor was going to come and tell them how Feli was doing. Until after, say, ten minutes of more silent (and slightly awkward) waiting, someone finally came out. It was a doctor. Something about the doctor's eyes told Toni and Lovino that something clearly wasn't right.  
Before the doctor could even open his mouth, Lovino stood up and grabbed him by the collar.  
''What the hell is happening in there? Why can't I see my little brother, dammit!?''  
Toni took Lovino by the shoulder and tried to calm him down. Lovino let go of the doctor and sighed.  
''Why can't I see my little brother?'' he asked again, his voice now less angry, but more quiet and sad.  
The doctor straightened his coat and told the two to sit down.  
''WHY THE HELL DO I HAVE TO SIT DOWN!?'' Lovino was angry again, but sat down anyway. Antonio sat down as well, somewhere on the back of his head expecting the worst.  
The doctor sighed.  
''Mr. Vargas and mr. Carriedo. What I'm about to tell you isn't going to be easy for me to say right now.''  
Lovino cut him off.  
''What? Why!?'' He was trying to hide the worry that he had in his voice. He felt a lump in his throat.  
Lovino and Antonio both had a bad feeling about this.


	2. Chapter 2

''_Well_?'' Lovino said, slight fear in his voice. ''Spit it out, bastard!''  
Antonio closed his eyes and prepared for the worst. Nothing bad would happen to Feli, right?_ He will be okay in no time, and we'll get him home soon_, Toni assured himself.  
The doctor just looked at the two with his sad eyes.  
''The patient... is in a critical state. I'm afraid that if he doesn't get the right treatment...''  
The doctor didn't have to finish his sentence. The other two got the picture.  
Feliciano might die. The cheerful, always happy and energetic italian could die.  
But why? Why would he die all of a sudden, just like that? It didn't make any sense... did it?  
Lovino felt his blood run cold. It often seemed like he hated his brother, being so cold to him and all, but he didn't. He loved Felicano so _fucking_ much. He now realised he didn't show it enough. Not even nearly enough.  
Hearing the news made a part of him regret for always being so mean to the ones he loved.  
Just the thought of his fratello's dead lifeless body all alone in a hospital room made Lovino want to throw up.  
He covered his mouth and looked away.  
''What?'' Antonio said. ''But... he was perfectly healthy when I last saw him! Well, almost! What could have went so badly, that we're not even allowed to see him? Why is there a possibility that he could...'' Antonio couldn't say the last word. It irritated Lovino. _Fucking tomato bitch_, he thought. _Why does he even care? Iẗ́'s my damn brother, not his!_  
''It might have seemed like that, but in fact, mr. Vargas had been hiding the symptoms for over a month. He told us the truth after arriving here a week ago.  
He told us that he had been having painful headaches every day.'' Lovino remembered how a few weeks ago he had caught his brother getting something from the bathroom cupboard, but as soon as he saw Lovino's face, he started laughing saying it was nothing and walked off. Now Lovino realised that Italy had been looking for pain killers. He felt a strange pain in his chest.  
''He also had nausea and loss of appetite,'' the doctor said. Antonio remembered how just a few days before Feli was taken away he had brought a beautiful tomato to him, but he had just laughed nervously and said he'll eat it later. Antonio later had found a tomato in the trash can while cleaning. It had made him kind of upset, seeing a tomato in a trash. But it all made sense to him. It all made sense now.  
''So'' he said, ''the smile he gave us all that time... it was fake? Just a fake smile to not make us suspect anything?''  
The doctor looked sad again. He nodded slowly and fixed his glasses. ''It seems he didn't want to tell you even though he knew he was very ill.''  
He had a faint smile on his face when he saw the confused faces of Lovino and Antonio.  
''I guess he wanted to save you from the worry. I don't know what he was thinking though... there's no way to hide that forever.  
Antonio left out a weak chuckle.  
''Yep, that's our Feliciano.'' he said.  
Lovino felt strange.

''So? Are you motherfuckers going to tell us what's wrong with him or not?'' Lovino asked angrily from the nurses that had went in and out of Feli's room for the past hour. It was now eight o'clock in the evening and both Antonio and Lovino were getting tired (Lovino was getting grumpier, too.) from all the waiting. Will the damn doctors ever let them know? Or do they even know themselves? Just what the hell was going on in there?  
Lovino wished he could even get to see him. Nothing else even mattered anymore. He was so tired and-  
A tear fell on his cheek.  
_What is this_?, he thought to himself. _Why am I so damn weak?_  
He just wanted to see his brother again, god dammit.


	3. Chapter 3

Antonio and Lovino still hadn't received a call from the hospital. The doctor said they will call them, but it had already been three days.  
Antonio was miserable. Besides being worried sick about Feliciano, Lovino had locked himself up in his room for the past two days.  
''Lovi,_ please_. At least come and eat something.'' he said, knocking on the door of Lovino's room.  
''Go away.'' A muffled voice replied from behind the door. He obviously wanted to be alone. Antonio didn't have the heart to leave Lovino without food.  
''Fine, I'll go. I'll leave a plate of pasta outside the door.'' He said and walked off somewhere.

Lovino lied on his bed, alone, thightly holding a pillow. He had been crying and he wanted to cry more, but any tears weren't coming out anymore.  
He sighed.  
_What the hell? Those piece of shit doctors don't even know what was wrong with him,_ he thought to himself.  
They didn't. Three days earlier the doctor that was mainly taking care of him had sent Toni and Lovino home, and promised to call if something was up, or they had found out what it was.  
_But it has already been three days! Surely they would let us know what's going on?_  
Lovino's stomach grumbled. He was hungry, he had been skipping all the meals to not have to leave his room, and it was starting to take it's toll.  
_Dammit!_ he cursed in his mind. Then he remembered that the Tomato bastard had said something about leaving pasta behind his door.  
He groaned and unwillingly got out of bed, his head aching. He hadn't even bothered to get out of his fucking pajamas anymore. On his way to the door he happened to look in the mirror.  
He looked like _shit._  
He looked like he had woken up from the dead or something. He looked tired, with dark, black circles under his red eyes. His skin was pale; he hadn't been going out or eaten, or done anything at all. Besides his hair was dirty and sticking out everywhere.  
He didn't give a care in the world (but sighed) and walked to the door. He unlocked it, and stuck his head out to see if Antonio was anywhere to be seen.  
He wasn't, so Lovino got out of his dark lonely room and took the specially delicious looking pasta plate to his hands. He was about to turn back to his room, when he heard a voice. Antonio's voice. They lived together with Feliciano and Antonio, so it couldn't be anyone from the house. Either they had a visitor, or he was talking on-  
''The phone!'' Lovino whispered to himself in realisation. Maybe if he snuck downstairs really quietly, Antonio wouldn't notice him, and he could secretly listen how he was talking on the phone with someone. Lovino was curious, so it was worth a try. He could be talking to the doctor from the hospital!  
With these thoughts, he started sneaking down quietly as a mouse. With each step he could make the words out more clearly.  
'_'I have to agree..._''  
Step.  
''_And they said they didn't know what it is..._''  
Step.  
Lovino was holding his breath. He was at the top of the staircase, having a small break to listen more carefully.  
''_If it could've been somebody else... I mean anyone would be better than Feli, don't you think?_''  
Lovino took a deep breath. Step.  
''_You know what? You're right_.''  
Step.  
''_It would've been better if it would have been him._''  
Lovino's heart skipped a beat.  
_Him? Who?_  
''_What? Oh, he's upstairs, sulking. I don't know what's up but he's being a bit selfish, concidering his brother is in the hospital and all..._''  
Lovino stopped at the bottom of the stairs. He could now see the Antonio's back from the kitchen.  
A tear fell on his face. He could feel his heart shatter in a million sharp pieces.  
Then, as he was about to turn around and run in his room, the stairs under him creaked. The stairs creaked just enough to catch the attention of Antonio in the kitchen. He turned around (still holding the phone) and his jaw dropped when he saw Lovino. Lovino standing there with an expression full of pure pain, and..._ were those tears in his face? _  
He stared at the Italian for a brief second.  
Lovino turned around and walked upstairs, knowing that the spaniard wouldn't follow him.


	4. Chapter 4

Lovino knew.

He had always known.

It was just that the fucking idiot didn't say it straight to his face. Maybe that wouldn't have been so god damn painful. Why did he have to try to keep it a secret? Did he really think that Lovino didn't know? Did he really think Lovino didn't know that _no_ one actually gave a shit about him? Did he really think that he didn't know that people were around him just to not make their sweet, cute Feliciano upset.

_Did he really think that he hadn't realized that everyone wished it was him in the hospital dying?_

_Fuck..._

He felt tears started to come up once again.

_How many more times would the same people hurt him all over again?_

_How many more times would he have to cry for the same old reasons? _

_How many more times would his heart be broken for nothing?_

''Lovino! LOVINO!'' Antonio had realized how bad this situation was. He ran upstairs to Lovino's door, that was already locked. He banged his fist on it.  
''Lovi, let me in! I have to talk to you right now!'' he panted.

''I don't wanna hear it.'' A sinister voice replied from behind the door.

''Please! I know you heard me on the phone with Francis! I know what I said and _I'm sorry_! I was a jerk!''

''I have to agree'' Lovino said coldly.

''Open the door!''

_''Fuck off!'_'

''I'm not leaving until you let me in there!''

Lovino felt the pain go aside a bit, and anger started to form up inside him.

''I told you to get the fuck out from here! I'm not going to let you in, bastard!''

_''OPEN THE DOOR!'' _Antonio knew that Lovino wasn't going to let him in. It wasn't even worth it.

But something told him not to give up just yet.

Lovino went silent. Antonio could have sworn he heard a sob.

''Fuck you...'' his voice was more quiet this time. _''Why do you even fucking care?'' _

Antonio didn't know what to say. He didn't know what to do. Why _did _he care? Who knows. All he knew was that he had to get in there.

''Lovino, I'll...

I'll break the door!''

''Why do you want to get in here!? If you still have something to say, then say it now and FUCK OFF!''

It was the same thing every time. _No Lovi, please, I love you Lovi, I'm sorry._ Why did he fall for that every time? That bastard always got away with everything.

Well he did. But not this time. What ever it took, Lovino would not let him get away with it. It's not like he had anything to lose anymore.

''Lovi-...''

_Wait. There was something weird in his voice. Was he... was he crying?_

_Did that mean he really cared for him? Did that mean it actually mattered to him?_

No. It didn't. He just wanted to get away with it. How Feliciano would hate him if he hurt his brother.

''Wait, why are you even here!? Surely you'd rather be seeing my brother at the hospital!''

Even if it was just a bit, that hurt Antonio. He'd rather be with his brother?

''Lovi, you know I care about you!''

''You wouldn't give a shit about _me,_ if Feliciano didn't exist!''

That wasn't true. That wasn't the truth. Antonio truly cared about Lovino, even if Feli wouldn't exist. Feliciano was cute, sweet, kind, everything. Lovino wasn't. He wasn't like that. But he was very important to Antonio, and that's all that mattered.

''It's not true, okay!? It's not true...''

''When is anything true, Antonio? When do you actually tell the truth?''

_''Well I'm telling the truth when I say I love_ you!''

Now it felt like someone took the pieces of Lovino's heart and rubbed it in his face.

That was it. The last piece of shit he'd take from that bastard.

Lovino had to get out of there. He had to get the fuck out, but how? Antonio was sitting outside his door, and he would surely grab Lovino before he could get away.

_Maybe he could get out from the window?_

He walked to the only window in his room. He looked out.

It was a sunny, beautiful day. The view out of the window was the backyard of their house, and a few lonely tomato trees under his window.

The drop was... high. It was at least five to six meters - his room was upstairs. If he jumped out now, it would kill him. Kill him, or at least damage him so he couldn't run away...

_Then again, who cares? Who cares if one day I wouldn't show up? If i was just gone like that?_

He looked down again. If he'd jump, he'd land on nothing but hard ground. He gulped.

''Lovino! Are you in there!?'' Antonio's voice said.

He'd eventually have to come out for a reason or another, or Antonio could ask the potato bastard to break the door.

He opened the window and stepped on the sill.

He looked at his room for the last time.

_Here goes nothing, _he thought, closed his eyes and dropped himself out of the window.

But there went everything.


	5. Chapter 5

''Lovino? Answer me!'' Antonio got up off the floor and banged on Lovino's door. No answer.

Antonio frowned.

''Look, what do I have to do to make you forgive?

I already apologized...''

_No use. He's not replying... _

_Is he okay in there?_

A horrible thought crossed Antonio's mind. Surely Lovi hasn't... _done _anything? Knowing him, there was a strong possibility he could have done something to hurt himself in a serious situation like this. Antonio didn't want to think about it.

_No..._

He sat down beside the door and sighed.

_I'm not leaving until you let me in._

_..._

He woke up on the floor. What happened? Judging by the dim light that was coming in from the windows, it was already the evening. He had been sleeping for a long time. Seriously, when had he fallen asleep? He didn't remember anything. He still had dried tears on his face. He remembered Lovino and instantly stood up. He tried to open the door.

Still locked.

He gulped. Lovino hadn't left the room in a long time. And the door was locked, for God's sake, there's no way he could not be inside!Had he fallen asleep inside there? What if he was just exhausted and wanted to sleep?

Antonio kicked the door in desperation.

Why did this have to happen? _Why?_ Why couldn't it have been someone else? Why the people he cared the most about in the whole world?

He was alone. All alone. Why wasn't he used to that?

_Why not?_

_... _

''Mon ami, you need to stop drinking!'' Francis said, but handed another beer to Antonio. He was a total mess: he hadn't slept for days, nor had he eaten or done actually anything. But drank.

So there he sat, at the bar that Francis and Gilbert, his best friends, owned. There were no customers anymore; it was already late in the evening. It was just the three of them.

''Yeah,'' Gilbert said. ''Something happen?''

Francis smacked him. ''You would think that you knew, being his friend and all.'' He said, annoyed. ''Feliciano's sick!''

''I knew that already, dumbass! Who doesn't?'' Gilbert yelled at him. ''I ment did something else happen. I guess not.'' he added quietly.

''Lovino...'' Antonio started but began sobbing before he could finish.

Francis and Gilbert gave each other a look.

''Has something happened to Lovi?'' Francis was worried. Gilbert went to get some tissue from the cupboard for Antonio.

Toni pulled himself together somehow and wiped his face from tears.

''He went missing. I haven't... I haven't seen him in days.'' he managed to say.

This was bad news.

Gilbert gasped quietly. ''What? _When?!''_

''The... the day before y-yesterday...'' Antonio stuttered.

''Why would he disappear just like that? It doesn't make sense.'' Francis had a puzzled expression on his face.

''He h-h-heard...'' he buried his head in his hands. He regretted everything he had said. He just wanted his tomato back.

Was it too late?

''_Hey? What did he hear? Did you say something bad_?'' Gilbert took Antonio by the shoulder and shook him.

He breathed heavily. ''He heard us, Francis. He heard us on the p-phone...'' He started crying again.

Francis went all white from his face.

''Oh... when you said...-''

''_Yeah...''_

There was a silence. Three minutes of silence, but it felt like three hundred. The only sound they could hear was Antonio's quiet sobbing.

Then Gilbert broke it.

''What... what did you say, then?''

Antonio raised his head.

''It doesn't matter, okay?!'' He didn't want to repeat it. ''It doesn't matter anymore.''

_Nothing matters anymore._

''But what if he has...-'' Francis said, but was interrupted by Antonio's sinister voice.

''No. He hasn't.''

''Whatever, mon ami. Should we call the police, then?''

''The police can't do anything! They can't do anything... they'll just say he's...-''

''Dead.''

''_GILBERT!''_

''What?! It's the truth! You don't need to smack me all the time! I'm not saying he is, but that's what the police would say and get back to eating cake!''

''Then what do we do? Now that we can't use the police's help, does that mean we'll go to look for him on our own?'' Francis had an idea. Not necessarily a good one. It's a big world, Lovino could be anywhere by now.

''I know! Let's hire a detective!'' _Smack. _''Ow...''

Antonio got up.

''I don't know... I just want to go home... I just want to go home and see that they're both there, alive and well.''

''Don't! Toni, _don't._ Lovino is alive. He's alive and we're going to find him and get him back home. _Hell, even if he's dead in some gutter..._'' Gilbert shook his head in hopes that wasn't indeed the truth. ''We'll find him. For sure.''

Antonio pulled a faint smile before getting out from the door.

_For sure. _

He had walked home without even realizing it. He was in his thoughts.

_We'll find him for sure._

He walked past Lovino's room. ''Goodnight.''

He walked past Feliciano's room. ''Sleep tight.''

He collapsed on his own bed and pulled the covers over him. He was cold.

_...Yeah, for sure.  
_


	6. Chapter 6

It was raining like hell.

_What the fuck am I doing? _Lovino thought to himself. He was limping along the muddy road. It was Friday evening, two days after he had left Antonio. He hurt his leg pretty badly when he jumped out of the window. At first he thought that'd be it. He couldn't get away. But when he heard the Spaniard call for him from the window, he somehow managed to crawl out of sight. He had been just walking blindly without even knowing where he's headed. Now it was a rainy evening, it was getting dark and there wasn't even anyone around to give him a ride to the nearest... somewhere.

_Dammit..._

He was cold and hungry. He had been walking so much with his hurt leg that he had become exhausted. Now he was soaking wet as well.

But he didn't regret for a second that he left. He was happier this way...

On his own like he always ended up.

So then why...  
Why were the raindrops on his face mixing up with tears?

...

Antonio groaned and looked at the clock. 7 P.M. Couldn't this day be over already? The weather outside was horrible...

He was curled under the blankets on his sofa. He didn't feel like doing anything.

_He didn't feel like living._

Nothing caught his interest anymore. He didn't eat. He didn't get dressed. Why would he? There was no point when he didn't even meet anyone during the day. He didn't pick up the phone when his friend Gilbert tried to call him. A minute later his phone received a text from the said guy.

_''God dammit, Toni. Pick up the phone!''_ it said. _  
_

Antonio looked at his phone unwillingly. He almost dropped it when it started ringing again. He took the call.

''What?''

''Oh finally you picked up! Awesome!''

''Say what you have to say.''

''Fine, fine, calm down. I called you because this can't go on anymore.''

''What can't?'' Antonio's eyes widened for a bit.

''You have to pull yourself together, man. We're going to go visit Feli in the hospital. You'll come with us.''

''Don't just make conclusions on your own! But I guess I can come...''

''Awesome, Fran will pick you up soon.''

''We're going right away?'' He groaned and curled up under the blanket a bit more.

...

Despite the state he was in, Antonio was _really_ glad to see Feliciano. It cheered him up a bit.

Feli was awake. He lied on the bed of the hospital room, attached to just a few machines. He had gotten better?

The Italian smiled brightly (but slightly tiredly) when the three of them entered the room.

''Ve... You all came to see me?'' He said.

''Kesesese! You bet we did!'' Gilbert replied cheerily, placing his coat on the table.

''So!'' Francis said, sitting down on the chair beside Feliciano. ''How have you been?''

Feli turned his head to Francis and smiled vaguely. ''I've been worse.''

He didn't even realize how happy that made the others feel. Antonio forgot about Lovino for a second. He forgot that he had ever left and somewhere in the back of his head he assumed Lovi was home, waiting for him now that Feli was doing a bit better.

Until Feliciano opened his mouth again.

_''Where's fratello?''_

How did he do it? With just two words he completely broke Antonio. Francis, Gilbert and Antonio all glanced at each other.

There's no way Antonio could tell him the truth.

Tell him, that he broke his brother's heart.

Tell him, that he left.

No way he could tell him now. Now that he had been feeling slightly better. No way in the _fucking_ world he could tell him now. Maybe someday.

But for God's sake, not now.

''He didn't have the time to come today... he stayed at home.'' He said.

_You fucking liar._

Gilbert and Francis both looked disappointed.

Antonio couldn't look him in the eye.

''Oh...'' Feli then said. ''Will he... will he come next time? I miss him.''

_God dammit, Antonio. _

Antonio forced a smile on his pale face.

''He'll come for sure.''

Feliciano's happy face made him die a bit on the inside.


	7. Chapter 7

As Lovino walked in the bitter rain, he began to notice something. A mysterious light in the horizon. Maybe it was a house? It gave him new hope. He was exhausted from all the walking and his body was screaming for a break. He sighed and seated himself on the wet, muddy ground. He was happy to rest.

Rain water pouring on his face, he was drenched from the head to the heels. It had been this way for the past two days, so he guessed you could say he was used to it.

_What if this is it? _He thought.

_What if this is what he would end up doing? Just walking away in physical and mental pain? _

No. He was better than that. He _deserved _better.

Actually, he was glad that the fucking idiot finally admitted it. Even if it wasn't straight to his face, he still did. Now Lovino had a completely new start in his life! Maybe he could put up a happy life from now on? Move somewhere far away and completely leave everything behind and simply just forget?

...No. How could he _fucking_ forget?

If someone saw him now, they'd think he's a poor homeless bastard. Well, he kind of was, but... still. He found it utterly unbelievable that he had survived as long as this, he had always thought he was super weak. Maybe that wasn't entirely the truth, either?

He got up again, now even more muddy, and tried to go on with the walking. He was so exhausted, he just wanted to fall down and start sleeping right there. It would've surely been a lot nicer than to walk so much that seemed like a thousand miles.

_I wonder how Feli is doing? _Lovino hadn't heard from his brother in a long time, and probably wouldn't now that he was in the middle of _fucking nowhere._ He remembered all the times he was ignored because of Feliciano. When they were children, everyone would always adore and come see fratello. No one ever even asked: _Where's your brother?_ Probably just rotting in some creepy Spaniard's house. He didn't care about Lovino either. He still failed to hate Feliciano.

_Geez,_ he thought to himself as he was slowly approaching the light in the distance he was now following. Now that he thought of it, it was clear. That tomato bastard never paid much attention to him as a child, and when he did it was because he needed food. He had just blindly followed Antonio all those years...

_What for?_

What had he ever gotten from being with that idiot? When was he being advanced by being with him? Now that he indeed thought about it, (he even stopped to think for a while) he realized that _nothing._ Absolutely nothing.

Why had he still loved him so blindly? What's the point of loving someone when you know they'll never love you back?

He now realized it. He now realized how stupid he was.

_Well not anymore..._

He was never to return to his past life. _Ever. _

As he walked down the road he suddenly realized a horrible pain in his hurt leg. He stopped and looked down on it.  
_What?_

It was covered in blood. Maybe when he fell down on the ground he had made a wound and just simply not noticed it?

He felt dizzy. If he could only just close his eyes for a second... He was struggling to stay awake. He was so tired that he didn't even care anymore.

_No,_ he thought. He had to reach that light ahead... maybe someone will take care of him there? Maybe...

Wait.

Was he just getting too tired or were there two lights now?

...

''What the hell, bro?'' Gilbert asked, annoyed, when they shut the door of the hospital room behind them.

''Yeah, why did you say that? We don't even freaking know where Lovi is!'' Francis joined him.

Antonio sighed. ''I know... I just had to say something to him...''

''Well why didn't you tell the truth? Now you're just in some deep shit.'' Gilbert went on.

Antonio let anger and frustration take the better of him.

'_'How could I have told him the truth? How could I have told him now that he's doing at least a bit better?!_''

Gilbert looked surprised for just a second.

_''He wouldn't want to even see me anymore!''_

Francis and Gilbert shared a glance.

''And then I'd just end up losing him, too.''He pushed Francis and Gilbert aside and walked past them to the rain outside.


	8. Chapter 8

A_ car._

Lovino realized that the light that he saw was a car. A freaking car was approaching him slowly and he had thought it's a house. God, how freaking stupid do you have to be to not recognize a car when you see one?

Lovino, now struggling to stay on his feet, suddenly had a feeling he has to get to that car. He had a feeling that everything depended on getting to the car. Maybe someone there will help him? Maybe if he stands in the middle of the road, they'll notice him and stop? He regained a reason to keep fighting and moved to the center of the muddy road he was following.

Smiling weakly, the thought about the warmth of a bed... dry clothes... warm food... Maybe he could be closer to those things he even thought himself? His hopes got really high while thinking about that. He slowed down his walking for a bit, panting.

The car was now closer and he could see the silhouette. He waved his arms over his head to make the driver stop for him.

_Slow down... why won't they stop already? _

The car was even closer. So close he entirely saw the whole car now. His heart started racing.

_''Stop...'' _

The car was approaching full-speed now, and even if the driver would have hit the brakes, it would've been too late. Lovino realized this on the last minute and threw himself on the ground on the side of the road and watched as the car passed him by. He just watched as the car slowly disappeared in the distance and silence fell once again.

He didn't feel like getting up anymore. What's the point? Where would he even have went? It felt as if the rain was pushing him down to the ground.

There he lied, with only one thing in his mind before he lost consciousness:

_That car looked god damn familiar...  
_

_..._

During the next few days Antonio didn't visit Feliciano. He wasn't going to go there without Lovino. He promised that his brother would come the next time they went to see him, and if he just went there now, with Lovi missing, things would go to shit pretty fast. Until Monday morning, he woke up to loud banging outside the door of his now empty house.

''I'm coming, I'm coming...'' He muttered to his pillow but turned around and kept sleeping. He overslept about five minutes until he was woken again by the door opening.

''We're coming in!'' He heard a familiar voice. Apparently Francis was entering his house with someone, possibly Gilbert. Antonio just mumbled something and pulled the covers over his head.

Someone jumped on his bed.

''Morning! Get up!'' He heard Gilbert's voice.

''I don't want to...''

Francis and Gilbert nodded to each other as a sign to start pulling their friend out of the bed. He left out a small sound and they left him on the floor.

''It's time to get dressed'' Francis told him.

But he was only fully awaken when Gilbert went to get a cup of cold water and poured it on his face.

He got dressed into his usual clothes.

''So why are you here?'' He asked, while pulling his sock in his foot. His face was still dripping with water but he didn't let that bother him.

''We have to go out. To see Feli'' Gilbert explained.

Antonio left out a frustrated groan to his own surprise.

''But I said-'' He tried to explain, but Francis stopped him.

''We know. That's what we need to go tell him. The truth.''

''You can't be serious...''

''Oh yes.'' Gilbert said and laughed, but got serious almost immediately. ''If you won't tell him the truth, then I will.''

Antonio sighed, knowing he had no choice. He wouldn't make the mistake of making others think he's a huge liar twice.

''Alright. Let's go.''

The three walked out of the house together.

The weather was nice. It was sunny once again, after days of rain. Antonio noticed that while sitting in the car on the way to see Feli.

The doctors had been able to move Feli to another hospital department, that's how fast he had gotten better. The danger wasn't still over, but it was better than nothing. Antonio felt worry in his chest as they got out of the car. What if Feliciano gets really angry and never forgives him?

What if he will never want to see him again, and he'll just be alone again?

As they entered Feli's room, they were greeted by a big smile from him.

''Hello! Long time no see, hehe!'' His voice sounded more healthy and more like him this time.

''Hi, Feli.'' Gilbert said and sat on the table.

The room was covered with cards from friends.

_Get better soon._

_Best wishes._

One of the cards had a tomato on it. It reminded Antonio of what he had come here to tell Feli about. He swallowed and breathed heavily a couple of times.

''Uhh, I'll go use the bathroom.'' Francis said and hit Gilbert with his elbow.

''Wha- Oh! I have to go drink!''

They both left the room, leaving Antonio alone with his confession.

Antonio looked at Feli. Something about his facial expression must've made Feli suspicious, judging by his face.

He sighed and looked at him sadly. Antonio sat beside him on a chair. He was twiddling his fingers nervously.

''Feli, I don't...-'' He tried to say as he looked at his shoes on the ground.

''Why did you lie? Antonio.'' He looked disappointed, staring him in the eyes with his piercing glare.

Antonio raised his head and looked at Feliciano.

''Because I didn't know what else I could have done at the moment...''

''You could have told the truth.'' Feliciano didn't look angry. Just sad. ''Where's he?'' he whispered, looking away.

Antonio was holding back tears.

_''I don't know.__''  
_

He covered his face with his hands.

''I don't know...''


	9. Chapter 9

Feliciano's facial expression went from sad to confused.

Antonio couldn't pull himself together. He was struggling to stop crying, but his face was still drenched in room was dead silent. There was absolutely no sound. Antonio didn't even sob.

Feliciano looked at him and swallowed nervously.

Antonio wiped his eyes to his shirt. He looked up at him. Tears were still falling on his face.

''Feli... p-please, forgive me... I d-did something r-re-really bad...'' he stuttered.

''Ve...'' Feliciano took his hand and tried to smile. ''I... what could possibly be so bad? Did something happen to fratello?''

Antonio shook his head.

''H-he g-got really angry at me a few... a few days a-ago...''

Feli clenched his hand tighter.

''He apparently... jumped out of the w-window... and I didn't s-see him after that...''

Feliciano's forced smile tailed away.

He looked at Antonio's face questioningly.

''I... I said that...'' _Gulp._ '' that I'd rather have _him_ in the hospital... and he heard it...''

Feliciano's grasp on his hand loosened and he let go.  
His face was a heartbreaking mixture of confusion, pain, sorrow and... fury. Antonio couldn't look him in the eyes anymore.

''I'm really sorry, Feli... I... I never meant to say that...''

It was hopeless.

_''Antonio.''_

_How did it come to this?_

_''Please leave me alone.''_

His eyes were full of _pain. Antonio got up from his seat and walked to the door._  
_He had the last glance at the Italian blankly staring in emptiness before leaving him in the silence again._

_..._

_It was evening. Gilbert was relaxing on the sofa when suddenly his phone rang. Who could be calling me right now? _he thought to himself. Antonio hadn't told him and Francis about what happened in the hospital, they had just left in silence right after Antonio got out of the room. They hadn't even asked him, because judging by his facial expression told them everything didn't go as expected._  
_

_He picked up the phone._

_''Hallo?'' He said._

_''Bruder, I need you to come over right now. Take Francis and Antonio with you, too.'' it was Ludwig's voice._

_''What? Why?'' Gilbert got off the sofa. ''What happened?''_

_''I found something interesting.''_

Reading his brother's thoughts from his voice, he got his car keys on his hand.

_''... _I'll be right there.''

Some moments later the three of them arrived at the house of Gilbert's little brother. He was waiting for them in the front yard. Something was clearly wrong, they could sense it from the atmosphere. He gestured them to come in. As they walked in the clean house, they saw muddy footsteps lead to the living room. Strange, there never was any kind of mess in his house.

''In the living room.'' He said to them and followed after them to where he was pointing his finger at.

As they entered the room they immediately realized what this was about.

Lovino was sleeping on the sofa in the middle of muddy traces.

His entire body was covered in mud and dirt, and his face looked exhausted.

_''LOVINO!'' _Antonio ran to the couch and took his tomato in a huge embrace. He was so relieved.  
He was instantly filled with warmth, seeing Lovino after such a long time.

''What? Where'd you find him?'' Francis said to Ludwig, surprised.

''I was driving home and i passed by someone. I didn't realize it was him at first, so I just thought of passing him by, but after seeing his face, I was assured it was Lovino, and when I turned my car around, he was lying on the ground.''

Gilbert screamed and ran to Lovino and grabbed his hand. ''He gonna be okay?''

Francis walked up to him and got on his knees. He tried Lovino's forehead and looked thoughtful until he got up again. ''Yeah, he's just sleeping.''

Gilbert sighed in relief.

''Thank you so much! I owe you!'' Antonio smiled from the bottom of his heart. Ludwig didn't really blush, but his cheeks held a slight reddish hue for a moment.

''It's nothing. You better get him out of here as soon as he wakes up, though... I think you understand why.''

Francis let out a small laugh. ''Yes, of course'' Antonio said, smiling brightly.

Then their attention was suddenly captured by Gilbert's sudden words.

''Lovino? Are you feeling better?''

They all turned their heads back to Lovino. He was waking up.

Antonio tightened his grasp on him, still holding him in an embrace.

''Lovino!''

Lovino opened his eyes slowly.

''What the hell...?'' he mumbled, rubbing his head. Antonio gave him his bright smile. Lovino realized the situation and immediately struggled out of the Spaniard's embrace. He got up and almost jumped to the door, his face still towards Antonio.

_''YOU!''_ he hissed in wrath. He was pointing at Antonio with his shaky hand.

Antonio's mood dropped. He remembered why Lovino was angry at him.

''Lovino! I didn't have a chance to talk to you earlier, let me explain myself now.'' He said, almost already knowing what the Italian's answer would be.

''FUCK NO-''

''Listen to him.'' Francis said. He was serious.

Lovino stared at him and then turned his face back to Antonio.

''Fine! Fucking talk!''

Antonio stood up. ''Alright... Okay. I didn't mean anything I said on the phone with Francis, okay? I've been regretting that conversation _every single day. _Please come back home, Lovino, I'm begging on my knees.''

Lovino's feelings were conflicting. He missed Antonio (even though he would never admit it), but in the same time he wanted the bastard to take some responsibility from his words. He was trying to keep a furious expression on his face, but he burst into tears when Antonio actually walked to him and begged down on his knees.

''Lovino... I love you more than anything. Come home, _I need you.''_

_''Goddammit...'' _he sobbed. He wanted to be angry at the fucker but simply failed.

Antonio got up and hugged him.

Gilbert chuckled in glee. ''So it's all good now?''

Lovino cried and nodded slightly.

Antonio released him and smiled. His smile quickly died. There was one last problem.

_Feliciano._


	10. Chapter 10

On their way back from Ludwig's house Antonio and Lovino hardly spoke. They just sat in the car without even looking at each other.  
Lovino was pissed off. That damn bastard made him forgive him, and he didn't even get to think about it first. What if he made a change now? What if he just told Antonio to stop the car right there and let him out? Could he do that?

Antonio parked the car to the hospital parking lot. They still had to go reassure Feliciano that his brother was all good now. Lovino didn't really want to go. He wanted to see his brother really badly, but he wanted to talk to him alone, without Antonio. What if all goes back to the way it used to be? What if he'd have to live in a lie and act like this never happened? What if it all happens again?

Feliciano lied alone on the bed of his hospital room. He had been very worried about his older brother being missing. He hadn't slept much lately, even though it was important for his well-being. There was a knock on the door and Antonio stepped in with someone with him.

''Ve!'' Feliciano recognized his brother. Lovino smiled and sat on the bed.

''How's it going? Long time no see.''

''Fratello! I'm glad to see you!'' He sat up and hugged Lovino. They smiled at each other when Feliciano released him.

It felt incredibly good to see his brother again. But Lovino was still feeling uneasy.

Antonio was still standing beside the door, unsure what to do now.

Feliciano's face got serious. ''So... what happened? Why could nobody find you?''

The question surprised both Antonio and Lovino.

''Ah, I... I escaped out of the window.'' He then answered. Antonio was watching him.

''Why would you escape like that? You know it's dangerous!'' Feliciano said, in a voice that sounded like a laugh, but it wasn't happy.

Lovino jumped off the bed and pointed at the confused looking Spaniard.

''Because he's a freaking bastard!'' Lovino suddenly regained the wrath towards Antonio from earlier. Antonio just looked at him with empty eyes.

Lovino read his thoughts from his eyes. _I thought it was okay._

''You... you! CHIGI-!' He ran out of the room and pushed Antonio out of his way. The door shut behind him and Antonio and Feliciano were left in silence.

Antonio sighed and looked at the door.

''Feliciano... I don't expect you to forgive me for what I did to your brother, I just want you to understand that I never meant any of what I said. Please don't be angry anymore.'' He said and prepared to be yelled at.

But it never happened.

Feliciano just looked at him, puzzled. He didn't say anything in a long time. He just stared at Antonio.

When he finally opened his mouth, his voice was very quiet and sad.

''Hey... Toni.''

''Hm? What is it?''

''Thank you... for everything. I'm sorry it had to end in such a regrettable way.''

''What?''

''I don't think we should try to go back to how things used to be... It'd be best for us all to go our own ways.''

He smiled. A tear fell on his cheek.

Antonio stared at him for a long while. The truth hit him like a punch in the face. It couldn't ever be fixed. Even if they managed to get Lovino back home, it'd never be the same. That's not what Lovino wanted.

Dammit... without one phone call, none of this would ever have happened. Can you imagine it? What are the odds of one phone call at the wrong time destroying everything he held dear in his life? He'd have to go into an empty home every night. He'd have to eat dinner all alone. He'd have no one to say good night to, no one to love anymore.

Not his own little tomato.

How would he live on?

...

Lovino moved away. Feliciano moved away too, four months later when he finally was allowed to get out of hospital, but he still had to eat medicines every day. Lovino didn't talk to Antonio anymore. It was Feliciano who sent him letters telling him how he's been, but as time went on, they wrote each other less and less, until they stopped completely.

Lovino was completely over Antonio and he was trying to forget him. Trusting someone for so many years and then being betrayed by them always leaves scars. He still felt a strange emptiness in his new apartment when he woke up all alone, and sometimes he cried. But he was beginning to forget.

Feliciano had gotten over the change as well. He was doing good, and he was going to be better. He lived alone in a small house he found on a cheap price until he'd find someone he might want to live with, or at least get a good job and a better house. He had always predicted somewhere in the back of his head that something like this would happen in some point of time. It was just the time it had to happen. He had been surprised as hell. Was it his fault for getting sick like that all of a sudden?

...

One beautiful morning, Lovino was walking down the street with his hands in his pockets, going to the market to buy something to eat. As he crossed the road, he looked down on his feet, and bumped in to someone. He looked up and recognized the face.

''Lovino! How have you been?'' Antonio smiled at him.

''I've been fine... bastard.''

Antonio was really happy to see that Lovino was clearly becoming better.

''I hope the best for you, Lovino. Always.'' He smiled his usual bright smile. Lovino had almost forgot how encouraging it looked. ''I have to go now, so... Bye!'' He waved and ran away, leaving Lovino standing alone on the pavement.

He gazed after his old friend. He watched him go and even after he had completely disappeared in the distance, he still stood there.

After some time had passed, he finally turned around.

He smiled as he walked away to the other direction.

...

**That's the end. I'm sorry for making this story unnecessarily long at times. Thank you for sticking with my story as long as you did, and**

**I hope you all have a really nice day.**


End file.
